Author's Note: This story is half-based on my own experience, though not entirely. I was better off compared to the main character. But yes I once felt nearly as terrible as she did.
I got this theme from a friend.
"Trust"
Welcome to my mind.
***
I remember being a very cheerful girl in primary school. Always laughing and always active. I didn't think anything was wrong until one day, when I walk into class, I saw my classmates crowd around a stamp album. I was going to join them when one of them suddenly looked up, saw me, gasped, and whispered to the others. The next thing I know, the album disappeared, and the crowd was gone.
Needless to say, I felt very disappointed with the lot of them. I was young, and I thought I was going to wallow in this situation forever. Of course, that's not the end of it all. I have to deal with other issues the moment I start secondary school. There are more friends who think they know everything and more people who trampled on others' feelings. It's sad to say this, but it was only during recent years when I learn to protect myself. To shield myself against the evils of the world, and to live life without getting stepped all over.
But there are also consequences. I taught myself. To avoid being hurt, you have to seclude yourself from the world. To me, to be hurt is to be betrayed. If you are never betrayed, you will never get hurt.
Which also came down to this.
Never trust, and you will never be betrayed.
I succeeded somewhat, if you look at it straight. I managed to avoid all hurtful situations. I can also shoot back at people who picked on me, something I could never do until a year and a half ago. Nobody dared to bully me anymore. And I was left to do my own things.
But as a result....I got really lonely.
I was cold and quiet, and I rarely paid attention to others. The people around me felt the chill near me, that's why they stay well away.
I acted as coldly as I could towards the situation. I acted as if I couldn't care less.
But deep down, my heart ached.
I was lonely. I yearned for company. I wanted attention. My heart screamed for friendship, for love, for passion. But I kept all this quiet, for fear that I would make myself laughing stock.
And then he came along.
I remembered listening to stories about him years ago, but I never really knew him. Back then, they made him sound so nerdy and geeky. Not knowing anything, I laughed along with them all.
How very wrong they were. How very wrong
I was.
He was a very interesting person to talk to. The first time we had a conversation, I noticed how very easy it was to talk to him. He can talk about
anything. He never scorns, and he always listens. I felt comfortable in his company.
I started looking forward to talking to him. And he would always talk to me, unlike most of the other people around me.
Just when I felt like I have a friend to turn to, the evil inside my head spoke.
Why do you believe in him? He will turn out just like everyone else. He will turn scornful one day, and you will be betrayed once again.
I was in dismay. I do not want to think that a friend that I have wanted so badly would turn away from me just like everybody else. But I was devastated just thinking about the possibilities. I had successfully brainwashed myself over the past few years. And so I decided to stay away from him before he decides to betray me.
He was just as confused as I was. He approached me in school, and I would give stupid but firm excuses to escape from him. He sent text messages after school, which I would refrain from replying. He came to my house to visit, and left when my brother lied and told him I wasn't in.
I felt like a bitch.
Our examinations were around the corner. His approaches became less for the sake of studying. I expected nothing more from him, but inside, my heart burned with agony.
A month before the exam, he came over again. I did not think much of it, since my brother knew exactly what to do, having done it for the past few weeks. I stayed in my room, staring at the blank ceiling. Moments later, my brother knocked on the door.
"Is he gone?" I asked.
The door opened. My eyes flicked towards the doorway, and I felt my heart stop.
"What do you think you are doing, shutting yourself in your room everytime I visit?" he demanded. He strode right up to my bed, towering over me. "Did you think I was foolish enough to believe a loner like you would stray out of the house every single day?"
I gaped as he shoved aside the many books on my chair and plonked himself right into it.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, dumbfounded.
"I came to sort things out."
We stared at each other for the longest time. Nobody said anything. My mind whirred around for something to say, but I was totally blank. He gazed at my face, steady as ever.
"Shall I start?"
I could not say anything. I watched as he reached into his pocket and fished out a piece of thick paper. My heart raced. I knew what he was going to do. He unfolded the paper, and began to read.
"You have been spanked by your teachers in primary school, fought with your classmates for over five months in form one, accused of scratching a teacher's car in form two, left by a guy three years older in form three, fooled around with a cellphone by your close friends afterwards and treated like a grocery st-"
"STOP IT!!!"
I yelled so loudly, I would not be surprised if the neighbours heard me, but I couldn't care less. He glanced over the top of the paper, and studied me, as I know he always do.
"Problems started when you were young, so I suppose it is natural that you will act this way." he said, calm and in control. He dropped the paper onto the table.
"You were bullied at a young age, unable to defend yourself, and nobody around you helped. You were all alone, struggling with your inner self, unhappy and scared. As you grew older, you began to counter all these miseries. You fought back, you stood up for your rights, and you protected yourself."
I shook as I listened. Recalling all these hateful memories was something that I wished I would never do.
"But as a result, you ended up not trusting anybody. You hated every other person besides yourself. In short, you rejected friendship, for fear that you would be betrayed."
Tears leaked out of my eyes as he got there. I could not bear to think that I had wind up lonely because of my beliefs. He tilted my chin so that he could look at me.
"When I came into your life, you found hope. Finally, a friend to love me, you thought. But because of scars from the past, you got frightened again. And to protect yourself, you shut the world out, including me, and blocked out your last ray of light. You drowned yourself in darkness again, and had I not cared to visit again today, you would continue to stay where you are, rejecting all help to stand up again."
"I will not say anything about your lack of trust in me, since experience has done more than enough damage onto you."
"My question is, why didn't you trust yourself?"
I looked at him in the eyes. His gaze was strong and steady. His expression straight and emotionless.
"What do you mean....? I always believed in myself....."
"No, you did not." he said at once. "You trusted me, you felt comfortable around me, you could talk to me without worries. But when the devil attacked, you recoiled immediately. You reconsidered your own judgements, and as a result of fear, you retreated into your own world, turning your back against your own beliefs."
I sobbed louder at this point, feeling horrible because of what he said. He put an arm around me.
"Have a little more confidence, and believe in the good. Have a little faith in me, and I shall not let you down."
He left a little while after that. I stopped crying, and sat on my bed. I was so confused, I could not think. I spotted the piece of paper he had earlier, still on my table. To give myself something to do, I picked it up, though dreading what I might find.
My eyes filled up again when I saw the contents.
There was nothing there.
Thank God for blessing me with such a good friend....
