Utopia

Yups~ This is the next theme we got from Ah Sir, after "Signs" ^^

I got inspiration from a close friend of mine, cuz she's been going through the same thing for quite a while now. She always seemed happy and cheerful, but she can't fool me. Nobody around her noticed a thing.

Okay maybe just one or two others besides myself X_X

Nobody knows her better than I do.

I don't know if this is befitting for the above theme, so please tolerate any "straying away" from the original topic ^^|||

What I am about to type, is what I believe goes on inside the heads of all those who went head over heels for love, including those sad cases that end up in mental hospitals.

Where is our Utopia?

***

Paradise...
Does such a place really exist...?
If it does...
Then where is it?

Is there a place on this earth we can go to...
Where no one will ever find us?
Is there anywhere at all in this universe...
That belonged solely to us?

Why is it that we are so close...
Yet so far... from each other?
Why must we hide from others...
Just so we can hold hands and kiss?

Let us go... and search for this paradise...
Let us go... and be together...
Where we are free from pressure...
And free from Them.

I cannot care less...
Even if I never see them again...
My only wish is to be with you...
Because I love you.

If you feel the same for me,
Then let us leave...
Let us leave this sad world behind us...
And search... for this utopia of ours.

Dedicated to all those who are suffering heartaches and pain because of the word "Love".

Love and Lies

Author's Note: This story is half-based on my own experience, though not entirely. I was better off compared to the main character. But yes I once felt nearly as terrible as she did.

I got this theme from a friend.

"Trust"

Welcome to my mind.

***

I remember being a very cheerful girl in primary school. Always laughing and always active. I didn't think anything was wrong until one day, when I walk into class, I saw my classmates crowd around a stamp album. I was going to join them when one of them suddenly looked up, saw me, gasped, and whispered to the others. The next thing I know, the album disappeared, and the crowd was gone.

Needless to say, I felt very disappointed with the lot of them. I was young, and I thought I was going to wallow in this situation forever. Of course, that's not the end of it all. I have to deal with other issues the moment I start secondary school. There are more friends who think they know everything and more people who trampled on others' feelings. It's sad to say this, but it was only during recent years when I learn to protect myself. To shield myself against the evils of the world, and to live life without getting stepped all over.

But there are also consequences. I taught myself. To avoid being hurt, you have to seclude yourself from the world. To me, to be hurt is to be betrayed. If you are never betrayed, you will never get hurt.

Which also came down to this.

Never trust, and you will never be betrayed.

I succeeded somewhat, if you look at it straight. I managed to avoid all hurtful situations. I can also shoot back at people who picked on me, something I could never do until a year and a half ago. Nobody dared to bully me anymore. And I was left to do my own things.

But as a result....I got really lonely.

I was cold and quiet, and I rarely paid attention to others. The people around me felt the chill near me, that's why they stay well away.

I acted as coldly as I could towards the situation. I acted as if I couldn't care less.

But deep down, my heart ached.

I was lonely. I yearned for company. I wanted attention. My heart screamed for friendship, for love, for passion. But I kept all this quiet, for fear that I would make myself laughing stock.

And then he came along.

I remembered listening to stories about him years ago, but I never really knew him. Back then, they made him sound so nerdy and geeky. Not knowing anything, I laughed along with them all.

How very wrong they were. How very wrong I was.

He was a very interesting person to talk to. The first time we had a conversation, I noticed how very easy it was to talk to him. He can talk about anything. He never scorns, and he always listens. I felt comfortable in his company.

I started looking forward to talking to him. And he would always talk to me, unlike most of the other people around me.

Just when I felt like I have a friend to turn to, the evil inside my head spoke.

Why do you believe in him? He will turn out just like everyone else. He will turn scornful one day, and you will be betrayed once again.

I was in dismay. I do not want to think that a friend that I have wanted so badly would turn away from me just like everybody else. But I was devastated just thinking about the possibilities. I had successfully brainwashed myself over the past few years. And so I decided to stay away from him before he decides to betray me.

He was just as confused as I was. He approached me in school, and I would give stupid but firm excuses to escape from him. He sent text messages after school, which I would refrain from replying. He came to my house to visit, and left when my brother lied and told him I wasn't in.

I felt like a bitch.

Our examinations were around the corner. His approaches became less for the sake of studying. I expected nothing more from him, but inside, my heart burned with agony.

A month before the exam, he came over again. I did not think much of it, since my brother knew exactly what to do, having done it for the past few weeks. I stayed in my room, staring at the blank ceiling. Moments later, my brother knocked on the door.

"Is he gone?" I asked.

The door opened. My eyes flicked towards the doorway, and I felt my heart stop.

"What do you think you are doing, shutting yourself in your room everytime I visit?" he demanded. He strode right up to my bed, towering over me. "Did you think I was foolish enough to believe a loner like you would stray out of the house every single day?"

I gaped as he shoved aside the many books on my chair and plonked himself right into it.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"I came to sort things out."

We stared at each other for the longest time. Nobody said anything. My mind whirred around for something to say, but I was totally blank. He gazed at my face, steady as ever.

"Shall I start?"

I could not say anything. I watched as he reached into his pocket and fished out a piece of thick paper. My heart raced. I knew what he was going to do. He unfolded the paper, and began to read.

"You have been spanked by your teachers in primary school, fought with your classmates for over five months in form one, accused of scratching a teacher's car in form two, left by a guy three years older in form three, fooled around with a cellphone by your close friends afterwards and treated like a grocery st-"

"STOP IT!!!"

I yelled so loudly, I would not be surprised if the neighbours heard me, but I couldn't care less. He glanced over the top of the paper, and studied me, as I know he always do.

"Problems started when you were young, so I suppose it is natural that you will act this way." he said, calm and in control. He dropped the paper onto the table.

"You were bullied at a young age, unable to defend yourself, and nobody around you helped. You were all alone, struggling with your inner self, unhappy and scared. As you grew older, you began to counter all these miseries. You fought back, you stood up for your rights, and you protected yourself."

I shook as I listened. Recalling all these hateful memories was something that I wished I would never do.

"But as a result, you ended up not trusting anybody. You hated every other person besides yourself. In short, you rejected friendship, for fear that you would be betrayed."

Tears leaked out of my eyes as he got there. I could not bear to think that I had wind up lonely because of my beliefs. He tilted my chin so that he could look at me.

"When I came into your life, you found hope. Finally, a friend to love me, you thought. But because of scars from the past, you got frightened again. And to protect yourself, you shut the world out, including me, and blocked out your last ray of light. You drowned yourself in darkness again, and had I not cared to visit again today, you would continue to stay where you are, rejecting all help to stand up again."

"I will not say anything about your lack of trust in me, since experience has done more than enough damage onto you."

"My question is, why didn't you trust yourself?"

I looked at him in the eyes. His gaze was strong and steady. His expression straight and emotionless.

"What do you mean....? I always believed in myself....."

"No, you did not." he said at once. "You trusted me, you felt comfortable around me, you could talk to me without worries. But when the devil attacked, you recoiled immediately. You reconsidered your own judgements, and as a result of fear, you retreated into your own world, turning your back against your own beliefs."

I sobbed louder at this point, feeling horrible because of what he said. He put an arm around me.

"Have a little more confidence, and believe in the good. Have a little faith in me, and I shall not let you down."

He left a little while after that. I stopped crying, and sat on my bed. I was so confused, I could not think. I spotted the piece of paper he had earlier, still on my table. To give myself something to do, I picked it up, though dreading what I might find.

My eyes filled up again when I saw the contents.

There was nothing there.

Thank God for blessing me with such a good friend....

My angel in disguise...

Now, what do you guys think of when you read a single word "Signs"?
Roadsigns?
Labels?
Zodiac signs?
Birth signs?
Other signs?
I've been asking around, and most of my friends say they think of roadsigns and for the girls, "SALES" =O= oh well, girls will be girls ^^lll

When I saw this new theme Ah Sir set us, my immediate thought was heaven. Don't ask me why @_@ then from there I thought of.......

Oh well I'll just let my story do the talking ^^

***

When I first heard our mother say that she was pregnant, I laughed straight out, and my brother did the same. I was twelve, and he was eleven. We couldn't imagine then, that after we have grown so much, our mother would give birth again.

Until one day, she brought home a toy car which both of us are just too old to play with.

And how can you joke about pregnancy anyway? After three months her tummy was noticeably big, and the fact dawned on us that there would be a new baby in the family.

Our sister was born in that same year two weeks before Christmas.

I never really liked babies, to be frank. To me they are noisy, dirty, and expensive. Giving birth itself requires thousands, then there're all the diapers, food, and toys and everything.

My sister, being a normal baby herself, was no exception.

She was noisy and dirty, just like all other babies. But somehow she wasn't as expensive, because we used items that relatives and neighbours gave us, which we were grateful for.

As she grew older, so did we. We became more and more engrossed with schoolwork, friends, and social activities. She cried less, but became more talkative. To be honest, we grew impatient with her sometimes and scold her, and then we'd get scolded ourselves.

She would badger us to play with her when we are watching television, talk non-stop when we were doing homework, and sometimes, barge into the room leaving the door wide open when we were in the middle of undressing for a bath.

I got so irritated, I would yell at her to get out, and she would leave with wet eyes. Moments later, our mother would be in my room lecturing me about being unkind.

I continued to scorn her existence at times she annoyed me, until one day, I spotted an old library card with her picture on it, except that I can't remember when she sported that hairstyle.

Two hours later, she ran towards me holding that exact same picture, brandishing it in my face.

"Yes, Joey, you look nice in there." I said, without giving it a second glance.

My sister continued waving it in my face.

"Yes? What is it?"

She looked at me with those innocent eyes, and said. "It has your name on it."

I got stunned immediately.

Our face looked exactly the same.

That was when I noticed all the similarities between us.

Everytime she was lonely, she does all the wrong things to get attention, like what I did when I was younger.

Everytime she does something wrong, she tries to hide it and hopes that others will never find out, like what I did when I was younger.

Everytime she feels neglected by friends that she loved, her eyes would water, like what I did when I was younger.

Whenever she's angry, she yells at the other party, regardless of who it is (unless if it's our mother) just like me.

If she likes one particular person, she sticks to him or her, and ignores almost everybody else, just like me.

Now, she is seven. And I still see never-ending similarities between us.

But she was kind. And very gentle. She loves animals, she loves her friends, she loves her family. Even though we were unkind to her sometimes and made her cry.

Once, when I found her doodling in my notebook without my permission, I scolded her and went back to my work. Five minutes later, she handed me my notebook in a timid manner, and scurried off before I could open my mouth. I opened the page where she had drawn all her nonsense, and found, on the next page, words she had written in her very bad handwriting.

"I'm sorry, Jie Jie. I love you."

My heart shattered on the spot.

Only a child, so innocent and so pure, could put that into words without second thoughts.

I sometimes wonder, how many of these hints have God dropped for me to realise what a sad person I have been? How many of these signs have I missed? Have I missed so many that God has finally resorted to send someone to tell me? And that someone is a child who doesn't even know what important role she is playing?

Now I look at my sister, and watch her do things that I have done before. I saw signs that lectured me indirectly with every kind act she did. I look at myself as I had been twelve years ago, and slowly things dawned on me, and I realise that I have been a very narrow-minded person.

And it was a child who showed me that.

Or perhaps she wasn't a child, but an angel sent by God.

A happy angel sent to change my life forever.

Now, I finally understand, what people meant by an angel in disguise...

Because I have found mine.

No Boundaries

Ok. So we asked Mr Chan to give us a random topic we can blog about, and he gave the theme "No Boundaries" =o= Both me and Firesky were like "Oh no problem!" and then when we got home and actually tried to talk about it, we were like "......" =O= Nevertheless, Firesky says she's gonna be blogging about her personal view of the phrase. So to minimise the chances of both our work being compared, I decided to write mine in the form of fiction. I hope it suits the theme though X_X

*

Ned flopped down onto his bed the second he entered his dorm. George, his roommate, hadn't even returned from his night out. The clock on the desk read 3.16am.

Ned groaned and let himself fall on his back.

College life is so wonderful, he thought to himself. Mom's not there to lecture him about coming home too late, Dad's not there to make him grind his nose in his textbooks, and Sis isn't there to badger him about Toby, his highschool friend. He is free from all the nagging and lecturing. He can now do whatever he want, eat whatever he fancied, and roam wherever he wished. George was a super fun guy with whom he bonded instantly upon meeting him, and he had plenty of friends around campus. Ned felt lucky to have him as a roommate.

"Hey Ned." he would say, almost everyday. "You wanna go out with us tonight? I'll show you that hot chick at the bar, then you can try and get her number."

The starting of his college life was like a dream come true. The lecturers are pretty lenient with them, so they have plenty of time to do whatever they want. Every night was a new adventure to Ned, as George would bring him around town with his other buddies, Ryan and Matthew.

"See her, Ned?" George asked, pointing towards the bar, behind which stood a lovely blonde girl. "Hit on her. Go on."

Well, Ned did not get her phone number, but he was nevertheless excited at the same time.

Again and again, they roam the streets at night, fooling around like nobody's business. Ned, not used to being a midnight owl, skipped most of his early morning lessons to snooze. George did the same, but when the sun bids goodbye, he would start again.

"You coming with us, right?"

And Ned could never say no.

Before he knew it, his new midnight lifestyle had already lasted two months.

And Ned got a message from a classmate that their first semester's exam will be held in two weeks' time.

Aware that they were FAR behind in their studies, Ned approached George.

"You know, George." Ned started, as George laid on his bed, drained from the activities the night before. "We'll need to cut down on our outings. We have a test coming."

George grunted, rolled over, and slept on. Ned, already getting the exam jitters, shook him.

"Dude, come on, wake up already. We've got to attend class. We're already behind as it is. Dude!"

"Get off me! I wanna sleep! If you're so worried YOU go to class! I'm not bothered!"

Ned was completely blown away. George had NEVER yelled at him before. Most unexpected of all, he was completely ignorant of the fact that his studies are of any importance at all.

"I'm sorry, okay?" said Ned, putting down his books, feeling dispirited. He even lost all heart to go for his lessons. George groaned, and mumbled.

"We're going out again tonight. You'll come along, won't you?"

"Again???" Ned exclaimed, taken aback. "We're going to have our exam in two weeks' time!"

"You know what?" said George, sitting straight up, glaring at him. "If you don't wanna come with us, it's completely fine. Don't talk to me about exams and studies and nag me like a mom, okay? It's not cool."

He dropped back onto his bed and rolled over, his back towards Ned. Ned found himself completely humiliated. A mom? Ned hated it when his mom nags him, back when he was at home, and now George is saying that he sounded like one. That completely turned him off.

"Alright. I'll go out with you guys." said Ned loudly. George turned around, just in time to see Ned kick his books under his bed. He grinned.

"Now that's the spirit, pal."

So Ned did absolutely nothing to save his academic reputation. Instead, he went clubbing with the boys, flirted with blondes, brunettes, redheads, and even tried to hook up with the stripper in one of the nightclubs Ryan always went to. He pretended to be tough, macho, mysterious, or anything at all that the boys called "womanising techniques". When the girls turn away rolling their eyes, George and the others sniggered, laughed, and then "demonstrated".

For two whole weeks, they spent their time wooing women. Ned secretly felt sick and tired, but everytime he suggested they take a break and hit the library instead, the others scorned and huffed, shutting him up completely.

Of course he couldn't make it past his first exam. Professor Longfield was furious with him.

"What are you doing here, Dixon?" Professor Longfield scolded. He literally yelled at him. Ned, feeling shameful, hung his head. "Do you know how much your parents spent to send you here? Do you think this course is something of a joke? If you don't wanna study, Dixon, get out there and do something else! Don't waste your parents' efforts HERE!!" and he slammed Ned's report down on the table. Ned had never felt more ashamed of himself.

"For your information, Dixon, you're the only person who failed this test in this entire course. If you still wanna continue, you better get a grip on yourself and START STUDYING."

It took a few minutes for Ned to register what he had just heard. I'm the only one who failed this test? It couldn't be. George didn't even look at his books. All he did was, sleep, eat, bathe, and go clubbing. He couldn't have studied a single thing. Ned was sure of that. He had spent all his days wasting time with George and Ryan and Matthew.

He was shocked to hear George's answer when he asked him.

"It's obvious, man. We cheated." he said, lounging on the back legs of his chair. Ned stood dumbstruck. "I'm not gonna get myself yelled at. I made that geek next to my table show me his answers. Ryan and Matt did the same. We didn't think you're stupid enough to let yourself flunk. When you're out of resources, always find an alternative." he grinned at the shock in Ned's face and grabbed his shoulder.

"Chill, man. We're going out for a drink later. Wanna come?"

Anger and humiliation was boiling fast in Ned, as he shook George's hand roughly off his shoulder, saying, "No thanks. I have a lot of assignments to do. I'll be in the library if you need me, but if it's anything to do with clubbing, you can contact that stripper instead."

He turned to go, leaving George looking seriously offended. "Fine. Go do your assignments, Loser. You're just like all those other geeks in school." he called after him. Ned walked on, determined to maintain his dignity.

Ned never went out with George again, but spent most of his time in the library, completing assignments long ago with the help of Sandra and Jim, his new-found besties. They hang out at cafes after classes, avoiding alcohol at all costs. They form group discussions to help Ned catch up, and steered clear of dirty entertainment.

For the first time, Ned felt comfortable, and relief.

He realised something very important about his life before college, and that is how free he had always been to behave however he want.

Hanging out with George had given him the wrong idea about freedom. He could not say what he wanted to say. He could not do what he wanted to do. He was constantly suferring from peer pressure. He had been turned into a puppet, doing what others think should be done, and acting the way others think cool, without truly expressing himself.

A life away from home does not banish all restrictions, but rather much create more boundaries that restrict more movement.

Ned finally realised, that boundaries fade away when he learns how to handle them.

And now, he has truly found his freedom, and is embracing it in everyway he could.

~Dedicated to all youngsters who think they are too low to mingle with the crowd.~

Mini Story #1

Different Competitor

Life's so uninteresting, I thought at that time, while walking towards my school from the bus stop. Every single day, I repeat the same routine, no, process, like a robot. I wake up, wash, take breakfast, take the same bus to college. Classes are so damn boring, I can't even find an excuse saying that my choice in the beginning was right. I could back out now if I want to, it's only the first semester. Only thing is, there goes 500 bucks wasted.

Now that I think about it, the problem didn't even start then. It must have been there a long time, only I didn't have the courage to face it.

Darn you, Samantha.

I reached the school gates then, and waiting for me there was my four-year boyfriend, Justin. He flashed me a smile, but at that moment I just couldn't find it in myself to return it.

"What's up, Sammy?" Justin had asked me, his tone full of concern. I didn't even bother to answer. I hung my head and continued walking towards my class, like he wasn't there. Justin knew that was a sign I will not talk until needed.

"I'll call you after class, okay?" he called to my back. I continued walking.

I was mean, I knew that. But that's me. I did not pick up the phone when Justin called, and he knew what should happen after that. I did not see him again the whole day through.

For the next few weeks, the same thing happened. We've been going on and off for the past two years. It did not take long for another ridiculous quarrel to take place, and it's ridiculous because we were fighting over a TV show. We were fighting, seriously.

For the umpteenth time, we drifted apart again, and we lost contact for the next two weeks.

I couldn't believe what happened next.

I didn't realise anything was going on before my classmate, Chloe told me. There was a new boy in Justin's class, a timid boy, whom all the ladies considered cute. According to Chloe, he's a pretty boy, whose signature colour was soft pink. And apparently, Justin's been spending loads of time with him.

I went to look for Justin in the cafeteria the very same day. I didn't think anything fishy was going on at the moment. For God's sake, I've been with Justin for four years now. There's no way some boy can come between us just like that. I was confident about that.

How very wrong I was.

I went to the cafeteria only to find them closely seated together. A very unusual state of closeness for guy buddies. I didn't even realise I was gaping. Then I shook myself.

They could be science partners, I told myself then. But the minute I took a second glance, I found myself struggling again. Science partners do not have to sit that closely with each other. They do not talk in whispers. I left without talking to Justin at all.

Slowly, things began to get out of hand. When I called Justin, he was always busy. He did not reply my text messages. He did not wait for me at the school gates. He did not call me anymore.

I was frustrated. One month later, I decided to confront him. I asked him out to meet me at our favourite cafe, where we would "talk things over".

Thank goodness he came alone.

"What is it, Sammy?" he asked right after he sat down. "I can't stay long. I'm kinda busy today."

"With what, Justin? Science project? Or a movie with Eddy?" I was sarcastic. Justin fell silent, gazing at me solemnly.

"I'm glad you called me out, Sammy. We need to talk." he finally said, taking a sip of water. I waited.

"Things are going wrong between us, Sammy. I feel like you're taking me too much for granted. I cared about you, but you ignored me like it was something natural. Do you know how I felt at that moment?"

"So you went to Eddy for comfort?" I demanded. Justin looked frustrated.

"We were just friends."

"Were? So are you something more now?"

Justin looked up at me, his eyes telling a story. I was dumbfounded. I knew what he was going to say.

"I need a break, Sammy. Let's just call it quits. I...don't think I want this anymore."

I was upset. VERY upset. "Are you dumping me, Justin? For a guy? Do you have any idea what you are doing???"

"I am very clear-headed right now, Sammy." Justin said, standing up. "I'm sorry, but I can't take it anymore." And he left.

I sat where I was, stunned. For the next few weeks, I tried to talk to him, hoping that he would change his mind. But it was useless. He went as far as to hold hands with the other guy in public. It was then that I knew that he was really serious.

Now when I think back. I was the one who was always causing trouble between us. Justin was eternally patient whenever I lost my temper. Always, he counsels me when I was facing a problem, and always, I would vent my anger on him like he was born to be treated that way. I was stupid to think that a relationship like this would last. I was so dumb to think that he would take it forever.

Justin was right. I took him too much for granted.

I haven't heard from Justin for quite a few months now, nor did I see him in college. To my own surprise, it did not take long for me to get over that break-up. I go through my daily routine as I used to, nothing changed, except for the fact that no one will be waiting for me at the gates anymore.

One day, I took a bus to go to the National Museum for a historic convention, and on the bus were Justin and his boyfriend, Eddy. Their relationship was already in the open by then, and the news had been flying around campus that Justin Chew and Eddy Ong were gay partners. Most of my friends had asked me how I felt, about my boyfriend leaving me for another guy.

I told them that I am happy for both of them.

I knew Justin. He has never been afraid to be himself. Perhaps he didn't know that he was bisexual himself when we were going out, or perhaps he's not even bisexual, but a homosexual. This experience had told him what his true preferences are, and he's not afraid to let people know. He's not afraid to be himself, and never will be.

Eddy was asleep on Justin's shoulder. He was, as they say, a pretty boy, fair with eyelashes that will kill jealous women. Justin looked up from his book as I neared his seat, stared, and then flashed me one of his charming smiles. This time, I remembered to smile back. I took a seat at the back of the bus.

They have their rights.
They shouldn't be discriminated.
They shouldn't be denied the chance to be together.
They deserve respect, too. The respect for their feelings.

Gay men aren't bad at all......

~Dedicated to all men and women who are judged solely because of who they love.~

Author's note: This is my first time writing a boy love story. Please forgive my redundancy, and I will surely welcome any feedback at all ^o^ Thank you~